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Basic Bitch.txt
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Basic Bitch.txt
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- Good morning, you two.
- Good morning.
- I got your results back, and... I'm sorry, but the test was positive. You're a basic bitch.
- Doctor, there has to be a mistake.
- Well, unfortunately, no, your symptoms are completely in line with other basic bitches'. You're into scented candles, you order your bagel scooped, and then you own a picture frame that says "Family" on it.
- It's my fault she's a basic bitch. I gave you that friend's box set for Christmas.
- Actually, she's been basic for quite some time now. Lucy, do you have any idea of when you first came in contact with all this basic shit?
- I guess, in college, I owned a pair of sweatpants that said "sexy" on the butt.
- Probably contracted your basic bitch-ness from a sorority sister. Borrowed some Ugg boots here and there, experimental North Face?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. You basic.
- I can't believe we ignored the signs. All the zumba classes, the inspirational quote in my e-mail signature...
- Paninis from Panera Bread...
- Yeah, it's getting worse. Here you are at a Halloween party, four years ago, dressed as a slutty nurse. That's some unoriginal rancid shit right there, but at least you know how to have fun. Two years later, you're tweeting about Starbucks, hashtag #caffeine. Where did you come up with that? And finally, we caught this during an Instagram check this morning. That's a foot tattoo of your astrological sign.
- I don't mean to be so sensitive, it's a Pisces thing.
- If not treated properly, this could escalate to full-blown Sex and the City-theme brunches.
- Doctor, is it possible that I could contract her basic-ness?
- Gerald!
- What? I have a bad bitch reputation to uphold!
- You should be fine, as long as you use protection. If she's watching Teen Mom or Say Yes To The Dress, I'd recommend that you distract yourself: open a book, browse the Internet, anything to prevent you from taking in that basic-ass shit.
- Is there any possibility of a full recovery? Could I ever someday be a bad bitch?
- The best I can do is prescribe something that will help minimize your basic bitch symptoms. You'll...you'll never be a bad bitch. But with the proper treatment, you won't be so basic that you're posting pictures of you and your girls in Vegas with the caption "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas". We know what happened in Vegas: you got drunk and you danced with each other. I'm sorry. I'll give you two a minute.
- Hey, we are stronger than this, okay? I am with you 100%.
- You are so sweet. I feel like I'm in love, actually.
- I want to divorce you.
- If you liked this video, click me to subscribe. If you didn't like it, you're a basic bitch and I don't give a shit.
- Basic bird.